FAQs

I’m a 27-year-old woman, and I’ve never had an orgasm. I think I nearly did once with fingering. How can I have one and what should I expect?

Answer

It's very common for women to take a while to learn about what they enjoy sexually and work out the best things to do for them to have an orgasm. Everybody is different, and we have different needs and are turned on by different things at different times of our lives.

It sounds like you're already well along the way anyhow, since you feel you nearly had an orgasm with fingering. The fact that you nearly had one when you were doing this, shows another important thing - that the brain is one of the most important sex organs.

Many women never have an orgasm while they are having penis-in-vagina sex (penetrative sex) and that is perfectly normal.Lots of women find that touching or rubbing the clitoris will give them an orgasm either with or without penetrative sex.

Either way you have to be really turned on before you will have an orgasm, and that often takes a bit longer to happen for women than for men.Don't feel rushed by your partner having an erection and being hot to trot before you are. Maybe it would be useful to explore a bit more what makes you hot.

Have you ever masturbated - touched and caressed your own vagina and clitoris for your own pleasure? This stimulation is a common way for women to initially experience orgasm.

You might choose to do this with your partner, or on your own. If you do it on your own you can be as relaxed and uninhibited as you like and be in complete control. And this might mean you discover more about what works for you for an orgasm and what's fun for you and feels good in general.

You may not have orgasms instantly - like anything it can sometimes some practice. But don't give up!

Trying too hard can be a problem and sometimes can prevent an orgasm happening. It's good to not worry if it doesn't happen at first or every time, but just keep doing the things that feel good for you both. You'll get to it eventually.
Some women enjoy using vibrators and other sex toys to bring them to orgasm.

How you feel and think about having sex and about your partner has a big effect on how turned on you feel. So fantasy and imagining, or looking at erotic pictures or books can also help while you are practising, and some people do this during sex with a partner as well.

Another good thing to do is to talk with your partner about what you find that you like - tell him/her where to put his/her hands or lips or whatever, or guide them there yourself. Tell him/her how firmly or gently or fast or slow feels good, and get him/her to tell you what s/he likes.
Communication, as you will have worked out, is another of the most vital bits of good happy sex.

What can you expect? Well, when you do have an orgasm the build-up of pleasure and tension becomes so great it is overwhelming. The muscles of your vagina and uterus and other parts of your body then contract on their own which releases the build up of tension and desire in your body.

This causes often wonderful feelings of release and pleasure followed eventually by relaxation. Orgasms can vary enormously from person to person, and from time to time for each person, depending on how turned on you are, your mood, how you feel about your partner and all the other things that affect how we all feel in life.

In a survey of Australians having sex, the most common sexual encounters between men and women are genital stimulation of the partners by hand, followed or preceded by vaginal sexual intercourse.
Source: "Doing it Down Under: The Sexual Lives of Australians" by Juliet Richters & Chris Rissel (Allen & Unwin)

Furhter reading:
Becoming Orgasmic